How do I win?

So there I was, just about to get my head served to the enemy's captain on a platter, when all of a sudden, out of the blue I'm suddenly in a place I've never seen before, and a soft light spoke to me.  "Fear not, my child, for you are the one who will rid the land of the enemy.  Take this sword, and by the might given to you destroy the evil enemy."  The light faded, and the next thing I know, I'm back at the camp, except now my blade is crossed with a very startled guy who was gonna decapitate me.  I'm just as startled as he was, but seeing as I knew I was gonna win, I decided to go on the full attack.  And that's when died by having my back torn open by a spear from one of the other guys hanging around

Seeing that I had some money saved up, my servants ran and got me resurrected, and told my story to the king, and showed him my new shiny sword.  So he made me the grand general of the army, and that was cool, getting to tell everyone what to do.  So, I made everyone go on the all out attack, abandoning posts and I led the front line charge to the stronghold of the enemy... and got an arrow to the face.

Three resurrections later, and I find myself with an army that's half dead, most of the one's that are still alive are missing limbs, appendages, and parts of their faces.  Still, I had heard a voice from a bright light, that meant that I was destined for greatness, so, I decided to do something never done before.  I went to the commander of our foes, and I communicated with him under the rules of parley. 

I was not prepared for what I saw.  As I moved through the capitol, I saw dancing, excitement, shouts of joy and adulation.  This doesn't seem to be like a nation that's in the middle of a war.  Probably good for them, though, seeing as I'm going to demand their surrender, and then they won't be free to do as they wish anymore.

As I walked into the commander's council room, I saw him sitting, having a smoke, and enjoying the view of the dancers outside the window.

"Ah, welcome," he said with a smile as he noticed me and made a motion to come in.  Servants brought a chair in for me as I sat at the opposite side of the table that was in the middle of the room.  "I'm so glad you could make it."  Was it just me, or did his smile seem to be getting larger by the minute?  "So, I take it you came to discuss a surrender?"

"Well, of course," I replied, "Why else would I have come?"  I pulled out my big, shiny sword, and put it on the table.  "And now, if you'll just hand over the papers for the surrender of your kingdom, I'll take them to my king, and we can get this over with.  I'll even throw in a little bit more party time for you; I hate to see good party money go to waste, and it looks like you've got quite a bit of it."

The commander cocked his head a little and gave a weird half-smile.  "I think you misunderstand me, I meant your surrender, saying that you will call off this meaningless war, and save the lives of your countrymen."  He motioned with his hands again, giving extra emphasis on seemingly random words.

That was weird, why would I surrender? "In case you couldn't tell, sir, this sword here is no ordinary sword.  It was given to me by a powerful being, and as such, I am destined to defeat you, and become ridiculously famous and rich. So if we could get this meeting over with, I saw a really nice pub out there where I'd like to whet my whistle."

His smile disappeared as he stood.  Then he burst out laughing.  "Sorry, I was trying to act like I was angry, but how could I be?  Everything has gone according to plan!"

Paint me confused.

"You see, when the war started we were at a severe disadvantage.  We had fewer soldiers than you, less competent men and weapons, even our strongholds were not up to your standards.  So we decided to ask our deity for assistance.  Our high cleric told us that the situation would be taken care of, and before we knew it, we heard of our enemy coming to attack us at our strongest points.  I wasn't quite sure what had happened, what had made our enemy so blind as to attack us where we were the strongest.  But now I know.

"Apparently you must have met our deity, or someone from him, who gave you this sword.  I think the only nice thing about it is the sparkles.  I heard it clang on the table, and it sounded like it was hollow.  You might want to get that looked at.  Anyway, it seems that it was meant to be that we would live in peace for at least a little while longer now, so if I could just have your surrender, it would be greatly appreciated.  Oh, where was that pub you mentioned? It sounded really good, I'll even buy a drink for you.  You are, after all, our country's champion!"  He again burst into a laugh that didn't really look good on his goateed face.  Well, this was awkward. 

I was struck, hurt, even disgusted, but I did the only logical thing, and signed the surrender, had a drink, and walked back home.

"And that's how I ended up here; see, when I got back and told everyone of the surrender, well, I'm sure you can imagine how unhappy they were with me.  So they fed me to some trolls who were living outside of one of the towns, and I guess they really wanted me to be with my sword, for they threw it to the trolls as well."  The newcomer looked at the angels.  "So how did you guys get here?"

(whew whew!  Yeah, awesome sauce.  Anyway, let me know what you think, comments are appreciated :)  any thoughts on what the next story should be? Peace!)